ThichNaht Hanh, the Zen Buddhist master, has some interesting advice about what it
means to truly let go. Many people mistake detachment or non-clinging to be a
form of aloofness, or emotional disconnect from others, but as Hanh explains,
truly letting go often means loving someone more than you have ever loved them
before.
The
Buddha taught that detachment, one of the disciplines on the Noble Path, also
called ariyasaavaka, is not a physical act of withdrawal or even a form
of austerity. Though the Buddha teaches of a “non-action which is an
integral part of the Right Way,” if it is taken out of context it can give
the impression that we should develop a lack of concern for others, and that we
should live without truly feeling or expressing our emotions – cutting
ourselves off from life.
These
type of misinterpretations are sadly common, since there are not always direct
translations from the Paali language into English.
This
form of “detachment” is an erroneous understanding of the Buddha’s message.
Master Hanh states that to truly let go we must learn to love more completely.
Non-attachment only happens when our love for another extends beyond our own
personal expectations of gain, or our anticipation of a specific, desired
outcome.
Hanh
describes four forms of complete detachment, which surprisingly, aren’t about
holing yourself up in a cave and ignoring everyone who has broken your heart,
or ignoring your lust or desire for a romantic interest. This is not
detachment. Letting go, means diving in. For example:
Maitri (Not the Love You Know)
Hanh
describes the importance of Maitri, not love as we normally understand in a
Westernized use of the word. He states,
“The first aspect of true love is maitri (metta, in Pali),
the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness. To develop that
capacity, we have to practice looking and listening deeply so that we know what
to do and what not to do to make others happy. If you offer your beloved
something she does not need, that is not maitri. You have to see her real
situation or what you offer might bring her unhappiness.”
In
other words, your detachment may come in accepting that certain things you
would normally do to make another person feel loved and appreciated may not be
what the person you are actively loving now, needs. Instead of forcing that
behavior on another person, with an egoic intent to “please” them, you simply
detach from that need in yourself, and truly observe what makes another person
feel comfortable, safe, and happy.
Hanh
further explains,
“We have to use language more carefully. “Love” is a
beautiful word; we have to restore its meaning. The word “maitri” has roots in
the word mitra which means friend. In Buddhism, the primary meaning of love is
friendship.”
Karuna (Compassion)
The
next form of true detachment is compassion. When we let go, we don’t stop offering
a compassionate touch, word, or deed to help someone who is in pain. We also
don’t expect to take their hurt or pain away. Compassion contains deep concern,
though. It is not aloofness It is not isolation from others.
The
Buddha smiles because he understands why pain and suffering exist, and because
he also knows how to transform it. You become more deeply involved in life when
you become detached form the outcome, but this does not mean you don’t
participate fully – even in others’ pain.
Gratitude and Joy
In
truly letting go you practice gratitude. Mudita, or joy arises when we
are overcome with gratitude for all that we have, such that we no longer cling
to some other longed-for result. The Buddha’s definition of joy is more like
“Unselfish joy.” It means that we don’t only find happiness when something good
happens to us, but when others find happiness.
If
you’ve ever had to say goodbye to a love or friend so that they could continue
on their life’s path – one that may not have continued to intertwine with your
own – you may have felt pain when they found someone new to love, or made a new
friend that seemed to take your place. This is not true detachment. Joy arises
when you find happiness even when others find joy – and it has little or nothing
to do with you.
Upeksha (Equanimity)
Master
Hanh describes the final quality of true love which sheds inordinate light on
the true process of letting go.
He
states,
“The fourth element of true love is upeksha, which means
equanimity, non-attachment, nondiscrimination, even-mindedness, or letting go.
Upa means “over,” and iksha means “to look.” You climb the mountain to be able
to look over the whole situation, not bound by one side or the other. If your
love has attachment, discrimination, prejudice, or clinging in it, it is not
true love.
People who do not understand Buddhism sometimes think
upeksha means indifference, but true equanimity is neither cold nor indifferent.
If you have more than one child, they are all your children. Upeksha does not
mean that you don’t love. You love in a way that all your children receive your
love, without discrimination.”
Hanh
explains that without this quality our love tends to become possessive – a
stomping ground of the ego. We try to put our beloved in our pocket and carry
them with us, when they are more like the wind, or a butterfly, or a stream,
needing to move and flow, or risk dying. This is not love, this is destruction.
For
love to be true love, it must have elements of compassion, joy, and equanimity
– and this is truly letting go.
The Art of Letting Go is Artless
The
real secret is that letting go is not an art, it is an allowing, a being. A
non-attached relationship is healthy, strong and filled with effortless love,
kindness and compassion. It is completely selfless because your sense of
‘self’ is no longer asserted in every situation. If you want to truly let
go, you’ve got to love more, not less. This is the most common misunderstanding
about this priceless teaching of the Buddha.
Source : themindunleashed.com