Marriage isn’t really what it used to be. Today, many
people are more open minded, feeling as if they don’t need a piece of paper to
prove commitment. Out of all the people who get married, only 3 in 10 actually
remain together.
During the 1970s, marriages started falling apart at
very high rates. This urged social scientists to start observing their traits,
worrying it would have an impact on children.
What are the specific traits that create happy, long
lasting marriages?
Psychologist John Gottman was one of the people who
wanted to figure this out.
He had a team of researchers hook couples up to a set
of electrodes. They were all asked to talk about the dynamic of their
relationship. How they met, large conflicts they face, and positive memories
they share. As they shared their thoughts, they measured their blood flow,
heart rates and the amount of sweat produced.
These couples were then contacted six years later to
see how they were doing.
Gottman saw there was two main groups which he called
the masters and the disasters. People who were masters were still happy after
six years, and the disasters were broken up or fundamentally unhappy in their
relationships.
When all the research was analyzed, there was a few
main differences in how the couples interacted with each other.
A lot of the people who were in the disaster category
appeared calm during the interviews, but their physical state was much more
stressed. They had higher activity of heart rate, blood flow and the production
of sweat.
Gottman saw that most of the disaster couples created
more physical stress as they spoke about their relationship.
It was as if the disaster couples were in fight or
flight mode; their physical states told a story of stress.
When they were asked to talk about mundane aspects of
their relationship, they were mentally prepared for an attack. For example, a
husband would say to his wife “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It
won’t take you very long.”
Not very pleasant, right?
On the other hand, the masters showed low physical
stress. They were more inherently connected, which looked like a fundamentally
different behavior.
They had created a space of trust and intimacy that
made them more emotionally connected and comfortable.
How exactly did they create this kind of energy
between each other?
Gottman invited 130 couples to come to a retreat and
observed their behavior. They did what normal people do on vacation, hang out,
cook, clean and just live life. This study was important in realizing exactly
what makes some relationships more successful.
It’s something Gottman called ‘bids‘. This is when a
partner would say something to their significant other, in an act of
connection. If a husband said to his wife “Look at that bird!” He is
specifically creating an emotional connection with his wife, wanting an equal
exchange of excited energy back. It’s not really about the bird as it is about
their shared excitement.
It creates a feeling of interesting, sharing a moment
together that both people can connect over. Gottman describes these responses
as “turning toward” or “turning away”. If the wife responds by emotionally
turning towards her partner, she is engaging the bidder. If she shows interest
and supports the idea, this is one of the fundamental traits of a happy
relationship.
Those who turned away from their partners, by saying
something like, “I’m busy” and not showing interest, would create more
hostility. A minimal response creates an unbalanced feeling and can leave one
person feeling more alone.
Couples who got divorced after six years only ‘turned
towards’ their partner 33% percent of the time. Only 3 in 10 of the emotional
bids were met with a connection.
On the other had, the couples who were still together
‘turned towards’ each other an amazing 87% of the time. That is a major
difference in connection. 9 times out of 10, their emotional needs were met by
their partner.
That is a massive difference!
Gottman saw it came down to what their partners would
continually bring to the table emotionally. Were the couples mostly
compassionate and understanding, or more hostile and critical?
Seems pretty simple when you think about it, right?
Are you emotionally supporting your partner or bringing them down? Couples who
built their confidence upon each other had more of a chance staying together.
So, support your partner. It’s all about the ebb and
flow of energy between you two. If your lover shows a level of excitement,
creating that same level of enthusiasm within you balances the emotional
energy.
Communication is always key, so if some days you don’t
feel like you can give the same amount of energy back, simply talking about it
can create that same ebb and flow.
Sometimes we don’t always have the energy to reflect
our partners, but being open, vulnerable and compassionate with one another is
being a master of your relationship.
Source : thespiritscience.net